Yo ESPN, C’mon Man!

Everyone knows that ESPN has gone way downhill in terms of talent ever since the days of Patrick, Olbermann, and Steiner. Now, they have schmucks like Bayless, Burke, and even a guy named Ducis roaming the halls at the WWL’s headquarters in Bristol, CT. Longtime friend of the Creatures Dougie Loveguy is here to give his take on all the shit that ESPN is sending over the airwaves these days.

I’ve had an issue with many of ESPN’s analysts and anchors for a long time now, and now that I have the appropriate forum to do so, I’ve decided to finally speak my mind. Let me start by saying that ESPN has long been the network that I watch the most and, like many of my friends, SportsCenter is almost always on my TV. But lately, there are many things about the WWL that have really bothered me. From Stu Scott’s downfall to SportsNation co-host Michelle Beadle’s recent tabloid run in for telling Aaron Rodgers that she wanted to fuck him, ESPN is causing me more and more stress these days, rather than simply doing its job and providing sporting knowledge. That, combined with the fact that ESPN employs some of the worst personalities in sports television, drove me to the brink.

For example, ESPN believes that Keyshawn Johnson is a suitable analyst for their Sunday NFL Countdown and Monday Night Countdown programs.  I hate to rip on Keyshawn as he will always be one of my favorite receivers of all time, trailing only the great Wayne Chrebet and his bare-hands of glory, but he has no place behind the desk. Keyshawn’s greatest contribution to each program thus far has been the extremely painful “C’mon man!” segment. Now, if anyone can find any value in this segment please let me know because seriously… C’mon man, what the fuck is the point of it?

But Keyshawn pales in comparison to this next “analyst” who only proves to me that women know jack shit about sports.  You’d have to practice meditation with Ghandi or the Dalai Lama to develop enough patience to listen to Doris Burke.  Burke is a blatant attempt to fill the quota, but she put the nail in the coffin for woman’s involvement in men’s sports and hammered the fuck out of it.  She has literally never said anything useful or insightful, not once, not neva. And after watching this, it boggles my mind how someone like Doris Burke has a job. A message to any future Doris Burke’s of the world: unless you’re Erin Andrews-hot, get the fuck off my screen.

Finally, I have to devote an entire paragraph to this next analyst, because he pretty much ruined my entire summer last year by being on the TV every fucking day.  This is tough for me to relive as a Knicks fan, but then again a lot of things are tough for me to relive as a Knicks fan, so I think I can manage. You see, the peak of my extreme hatred for ESPN’s so-called “sports experts” hit last summer during the Lebron James “Debacle”.  Seeing that little rat motherfucker Chris Broussard’s face on television every goddamn day nearly killed me.  I swear to Yahweh (is that bad?) that I would strangle Broussard if I had the chance. If he was on fire, I wouldn’t even piss on him to put it out. The fact that this shvartze came away from this ESPN nightmare being credited with anything is downright horrifying. Quite frankly, his summer of bullshit completely discredits the fact that he was the first to officially break Lebron’s signing with Los Heat.  The guy must have changed his stance on Lebron’s potential new home every day, citing new information from his fucking “inside sources,” whatever the fuck that means. Broussard must have named every team Lebron was being courted by as a likely destination.  I heard the Knicks, Nets, he even threw the Clippers a bone every now and then. And he was seemingly convinced that LBJ was going to be a Bull up until the last 5 minutes.  Even other analysts even hate him.  Skip Bayless and all of his reporting prowess even called out Broussard, saying he sold his “journalistic soul” to get close to Lebron.  Broussard will forever haunt my nightmares with his bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

I could literally dedicate paragraph after paragraph about all the “talent” that roams the halls at ESPN, as there are an extremely high number of underqualified men and women working in Bristol. For the sake of our ADHD riddled nation, I will cut my ranting short. And, to play both sides of the field, I feel it necessary to acknowledge that ESPN does continue to put out some good original programming. PTI has always been a good show and despite Wilbon’s blatant bias for Chicago, I enjoy watching his “bald brotherhood” banter with Kornheiser. Furthermore, not all of the analysts suck as much dick as Michelle Beadle did after the ESPYs. Having said all of this, I shall continue to watch SportsCenter and the rest of ESPN every day, mainly out of a lack of any other interests in life, but if Broussard attempts anything like the bullshit of last summer during next summer’s monster free agency I will probably have to perform a Steve McNair-like murder-suicide on that motherfucker.

 

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