Flaw-Star Game: Why The All-Star Game is the Most Insufferable Event in Sports, Part 2
July 11, 2011 1 Comment
Barney is mad. Why, you ask? Because we’ve reached the least wonderful time of the year. Yes, sports fans, we have reached that infamous week on the sports calendar where there is simply nothing on to keep us diehards entertained. And not only is the lack of sporting events upsetting to Barney, but the sporting events that actually take place are even more upsetting. Let him explain. (Editors Note: This is Part 2 of a two-part, investigative series on the insufferability of the MLB All-Star Game. For Part 1, click here.)
Now. You all thought I was done with the All-Star hating. Not so fast my friends. Because the only event that is more insufferable than the All-Star game takes place in conjunction with the All-Star game. And that would be the Home Dumb Derby. Excuse me, the Home Run Derby. This event is quite possibly the stupidest event in sports history. And if you disagree, then I will fight you! No, I’m not making an Anchorman reference. I will actually engage in fisticuffs with anyone who attempts to argue that the Home Run Derby serves any sort of purpose, entertainment or otherwise. Because it just doesn’t. To me, it is about as fun and as entertaining as watching CSPAN2 for three straight hours. I really don’t understand how anyone could find any entertainment value here. Basically, you are watching some of baseball’s best sluggers attempt to hit a 50 mph pitch over a wall that is, at most, 400 feet away. Yes, baseball’s best home run hitters, who are paid millions to hit home runs, are simply trying to hit the slowest, easiest possible pitch over a fence. And all along, you have Chris Berman say the words “back-back-back-back” to the point where I would rather listen to Pedro Gomez talk about the San Francisco Giants.
Now, the players on the other hand, do seem to enjoy the event for the most part. They sit there with video cameras and watch ball after ball after ball go over the fence while their little kids to get to run around and “Dougie” on the field. But for the fan, is it really at all exciting to watch players partake in a glorified batting practice? I didn’t think so. Think about any other marquee event at an All-Star Game. The NBA has the dunk contest, which although lacking in recent years, has been historically awesome. Why? Because rather than players just dunking the ball like they’d do in a game, they do all sorts of crazy shit with 12 foot hoops, cars, and even Spud Webb. And for those few brave souls out there who actually watch the NHL Skills Competition (the NHL’s equivalent to the Dunk Contest), they’d see similar things. Players doing crazy shootout tricks with props and cowboy hats. And then there’s the Home Run Derby. The bastard child of All-Star game skills contests. Now, if Jose Bautista stepped up to the plate tonight wearing a sombrero, batting with a metal bat, and a blind-fold on, then maybe I’d watch. Or even better, if Prince Fielder shotguns four beers, spins around home plate for as many seconds as it took him to chug said beers, and then attempts to hit a pitch, then I’d definitely watch. A Home Run Dizzy Bat Derby. Fuck yeah! But, alas, those are only fantasies in the figment of my imagination. For come tonight the 8 players participating will simply do something they do every day: take fucking batting practice. Except this time it will be while Chris Berman screams at us and we all get to laugh at how fat John Kruk is. I guess there’s a silver lining in everything. Barney out.