It’s That Time of Year Again…

Don’t know if you’ve noticed but there is nothing going on in the world of sports lately. The good news: that is all about to change. One night every year the entire sports world converges for a simultaneous death and rebirth, think Big Bang but instead of the world it’s the world of sports. While some of you may have no idea what I’m referring to the real die hards out there know I’m speaking of the de facto sports new years eve, where the world of sports comes together to celebrate the conclusion of one great calendar sports year and begin the next. I’m speaking of course about the ESPYS.

There are so many wonderful things about the ESPYS, but my favorite (besides seeing which athletes wear their sunglasses at night) is voting for the winners. The ESPYS are simply put the greatest award show of all-time; it’s the love child of Oscar and People’s choice. Since this year is the 19^th ESPY awards I thought I’d give all of you out there a special treat: once in a lifetime behind the scenes look at my ESPY votes and how I made the grueling decision. I understand that these ballots are private and I am not required to share with you my selections but I have no shame. Without freddy adu here are my votes for the 2011 ESPYS: (crowd goes wild!)

Category: Best Male Athlete

Candidates: Jimmy Johnson, Rafael Nadal, Dirk Nowitzki, Aaron Rodgers

Well whichever suit at ESPN selected the candidates probably feels like an idiot for adding Nadal after he lost the Wimbeldon final. Had he beaten Djokovic I very well might have given him my valued vote but now he’s out. Aaron Rodgers plays for the Packers so I would never vote for him, besides its excessive to get a Super Bowl MVP and the coveted title of Best Male Athlete. You might think I’m simply going to dismiss JJ because his sport of choice is driving cars in circles but if we’re only looking at the past year it just wasn’t his best compared to the other four championship seasons, though historically his accomplishments are far superior than the other candidates.

My Vote: DIRK!!!!! No explanation needed

Category: Best Female Athlete

Candidates: Kelly Clark, Lauren Jackson, Maya Moore, Lindsey Vonn

I won’t lie I’ve actually never heard of Kelly Clark (shocker) she’s out. Maya Moore has already won the Honda Sports Award (Best NCAA female athlete), Honda-Broderick Cup (ditto), State Farm Wade Trophy (best NCAA women’s basketball player), Lowe’s Senior Class Award (best senior NCAA women’s basketball player). Those were just her top honors from 2011, do you really think Maya Moore needs another useless trophy to put on her bedside table in her new Minnesota home? She’s out. I’m too big of a Sue Bird fan to give the title to her equal-at-best teammate Lauren Jackson, though the 6’5” Australian did have this SI spread. BUT, Lindsey Vonn had THIS SI spread so while I have no clue what she accomplished this year . . .

My Vote: Lindsey Vonn—did you see those photos???

 

Category: Best Upset

Candidates: Blame over Zenyatta, Fabricio Werdum stuns Fedor Emelianenko, Seahawks upset Saints, VCU

A few thoughts:

1) If they gave the award to the horses will they trot up and accept them? Will the horses make a speech?

2) Never heard of those fighting dudes but Emelianenko might be the sweetest Eastern European last name I’ve ever heard. Emelian is pretty sweet and sounds like his ancestors were a mixture of dope and Italian but then they throw on an ill suffix –enko, which should definitely be more prevalent in American last names. Lets test it out:

Smithenko

Brownenko

Johnsonenko

Point Proven.

3) Seahawks over Saints means one thing: its time to show the Marshawn Lynch video. No not that video, this one (aside from his views on politics he also tells you his favorite moment from college was when he signed #cantmakethisshitup) or if you’re a real fan of his work then check out the full compilation (highly recommended)

4) As long as I’m linking to videos watch this oooga shaka of a video . . .

My Vote: VCU—you know they were in the play-in game?

 

Category: Best NBA player

Candidates: Kobe Bryant, Kevin Durant, Lebron James, Dirk Nowitzki, Derrick Rose

Like all ESPYS this award is completely meaningless (sorry if I spoiled it for you). Rose won the MVP, Dirk won the championship, yet this question asks who is the best NBA player? More so than any other sport this is something we debate amongst our friends tirelessly. For me this is a no brainer: Lebron James is still the best NBA player. But I’m really interested (okay mildly interested—but that’s a pretty high level of interest for the ESPYS) to see whom the fans vote as the best NBA player. Clearly fans are the least qualified to actually decide who the best player is because we are biased, but then again so is the media so I guess I’m wrong. I generally have no idea who will win this award, only Durant winning would really surprise me, he doesn’t seem to be as trendy as he was at this time last year. One could make an argument for any of these players, and its always fun to see the results of a popularity contest.

My Vote: Lebron—though I’m sure he’ll find a way to blow the vote in the 4^th quarter

 

Category: Best WNBA player

Candidates: Tamika Catchings, Lauren Jackson, Cappie Pondexter, Diana Taurasi

Like the equivalent men’s question I don’t actually care and will make no argument, but we already established Lauren Jackson is a candidate for best female athlete while none of these other ladies are? So why even have this category, isn’t Jackson the obvious winner. It’s exactly like when only one foreign film is nominated for best picture i.e. Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. That film will obviously win the best foreign film category since it was the only one worthy of being considered as the best overall film. Why waste our time?

In a completely unrelated point Tamika is a sensational name, imagine if she married our boy Fedor Emelianenko and took his last name. Tell me you’re not buying a Tamika Emelianenko jersey?

My Vote: Lauren Jackson—where can I bet on this?

 

Category: Best Male Tennis Player

Candidates: Novak Djokovic, Roger Federer, Rafael Nadal

While I’m sure all three of them have no idea this award even exists I am seriously intrigued by the question of which of these three are the best. Brian Phillips wrote a great piece looking at the power struggle at the top of men’s tennis for Grantland. He says that Djokovic>Nadal>Federer>Djokovic. Following Wimbeldon that does seem to be the case but tennis is at an amazing place right now (take notice if you haven’t). The storylines of not only who’s the best in the world but how they will stack up historically seem to be shifting with every major tournament. The quality of play is a high as it has ever been, all three men are a pleasure to watch, and the US Open is set to be as exciting as ever. TENNIS!!!!!!!!!

My Vote: Nadal—could be anyone, but he won 2 of the last 4 majors

There are a lot more categories than I’ve highlighted here but those ones are even less interesting than these so I’ll give you my quick selections:

Best Bowler: Chris Barnes—the largest section on his Wikipedia page is titled: Difficulties in Televised Finals

Best Coach/Manager: Dom Starsia—for those who aren’t down with the flow bro world of college lax, all you need to about Dom is that he kicked the two best players off his team and then they won the NCAA championship #NBD

Best Track and Field Athlete: David Oliver—because he’s passed an astounding number of drug tests while looking like this, talk about skills on and off the track

Finally, its time for the premier award of the evening, the most coveted title in sports, its what separates the champions from the champions: the ESPY for Best Team.

Candidates: Auburn Football, Boston Bruins, Dallas Mavericks, Green Bay Packers, San Francisco Giants, Texas A&M Women’s basketball

A lot of people don’t know that these teams actually fought from the first day of preseason with the ultimate goal of winning this award, so yeah you could say its kind of a big deal. Winning the championship in their respective sports was like winning the presidential nomination for your party—it’s cause for celebration but if you don’t win the Presidency/ESPY then it was really all for nothing. Cam Newton said it best when he described his Tigers’ BCS championship by saying “Don’t mean shit if we don’t get that ESPY.” Dirk echoed a similar sentiment, “we no done, must win ESPY.”